Monday

Big Idea:  To have emotionally healthy relationships, eliminate "dirty fighting" tactics and fight cleanly for the sake of the relationship.

Matthew 22:36 -39 - "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied:  "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbors as yourself.'"  

In his book Everybody, Always, Bob Goff writes:  

Jesus talked to his friends a lot about how we should identify ourselves.  He said it
        wouldn't be what we said we believed or all the good we hoped to do someday.  Nope, he
        said we would identify ourselves simply by how we loved people.   It's tempting to think
        there is more to it, but there's not.  Love isn't something we fall into; love is someone we 
        become.  

Question:  Why do you think divorce filing is up 34% over last year?  ___________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Question:  How would you describe how your family (when you were growing up) handled conflict?  ________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

How you RESPOND to conflict is what can take unresolved tension and grow it into a maturing relationship.

Conflict Choice #1:  False Peace

Question:  List some reasons why people want to say that everything is fine:  ________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jeremiah 6:14 - They have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, Saying, 'Peace, peace,' But there is no peace." - NAS

Matthew 5:9 - Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Tuesday

Question:  What is the difference between a peacemaker and a peacekeeper?  ______________
________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Mark 2:10-12 - "so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins"--he said to the paralytic-- 11 "I say to you, stand up, take your mat and go to your home." 12 And he stood up, and immediately took the mat and went out before all of them.

Question:  What might be a reason not to avoid conflict?  _____________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Matthew 16:22-23 - Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.  "Never, Lord!" he said.  "this shall never happen to you!" 23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." 

Wednesday

Conflict Choice #2:  Fight Dirty

Question:  What do you think the harm is when people fight dirty?  ___________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Question:   Probably no one has the nerve to say what their favorite fighting dirty tool is, so let's play a little game.  What one do you think is the most popular?  _______________________________

A.  Denying
B.  Sarcasm
C.  Silent Treatment
D.  Walking Away
E.  Shouting
F.   Using "Always" or "Never"

Conflict Choice #3:  Fight Clean

*  Healthy couples fight for resolution; unhealthy couples fight for victory.

Question:   Why do you think unhealthy couples fight for victory?  ____________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Question:   What do you think the damage is when you fight for victory?  _____________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Definition:  A clean fight is a negotiation between two people to resolve a conflict for the advancement of their relationship.  

Question:   What is the definition of "resolve" for you?  ________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Goal:  The goal to have in conflict is that you want to have greater unity in a relationship and further the mission to benefit the family/relationship.  

Matthew 19:4-6 - "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one."

Question:   Have you given any thought to a mission statement for your family?  _____________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Question:   What might be a good mission statement to benefit the family/relationship?  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Romans 12:17-18 - Do not repay evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Thursday

So, what does it look like to fight cleanly?

1.  PRAY

Question:   What could you pray for?  _________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

2.  Assume the BEST.

*   Your spouse or friend is NOT your enemy.

Ephesians 6:10 - Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Question:   Why do you think so many couples instantly go to the thought that my spouse is my enemy? _________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

3.  Talk to EACH other NOT about each other.  

Matthew 18:15 - "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you."  

Question:   What if you go to them and they do not receive what you shared with them, what are you to do?  __________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. EVERYONE speaks.  

*  Should it be said?
*  Should it be said now?

Question:   Do you think it is wise to ask yourself those two questions?  ____________  Why or  why not?  ______________________________________________________________________________________  _________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Friday

5.  Argue like you're RIGHT; listen like you're WRONG.  

James 1:19: - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...

Question:   What do you think it means to "argue like you're right"?  ___________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you think it means to "listen like you're wrong"?  ______________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

6.  Commit to CLARITY and CLOSURE.

*  Don't fight to win the argument; fight to win the relationship.

Question:   What do you think it looks like to fight to win the relationship?  ___________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________